Let's Talk About Penises

Penis size is one of those topics everyone jokes about and almost nobody talks about honestly, so we decided to do it out loud. We start with the basics of micropenis as a medical definition, why it’s considered rare, and what affects male genital development. Then we pivot into what people actually want to know: how size, girth, and sensitivity show up in real sex, real relationships, and real self-esteem. 

From there, the conversation gets surprisingly practical. We talk erections that happen without warning (yes, including babies and teens), what nocturnal erections during REM sleep can reveal about erectile dysfunction and cardiovascular health, and why “use it or lose it” is more than a crude saying. We also share personal stories about partners on the extreme ends, including why “too big” can be just as complicated as “too small” when pain, tearing, and infections enter the chat. 

We don’t stay stuck in problem mode. We get into condom fit and condom technique, why practicing with condoms can help men stop losing erections during application, and how basic penis hygiene and safer sex habits prevent yeast infections and unnecessary antibiotics. We also talk about oral sex, hands, toys, and communication as the real foundation for closing the orgasm gap and making sex better for everyone, regardless of anatomy. 

If you laughed, learned, or yelled at your speakers, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one sex myth you want us to tackle next?

Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com, and find us on all the socials. Be safe and be excellent to each other.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Etienne: And there was another guy after that boyfriend who I wiggled out of the sex with him when I grabbed his penis and it was hard in his pants, and it was actually skinnier than that boyfriend. And this guy was beautiful. Oh my God. And he had the best body. And he was the one that he was friends with Brad Pitt.

[00:00:19] Etienne: And I was hoping I was gonna get to meet Brad Pitt. And I literally couldn't because I could not have sex with this guy, with his penis. I'm sorry. So I literally never saw him again. And I was like, oh fuck, this is terrible. And he was beautiful and gorgeous body. And this fucking, like, he probably did have a pencil, like it was, or it was between a pencil and the crayola magic marker.

[00:00:38] Etienne: Welcome listeners. This is The Women Are Plotting. I'm Etienne Rose Olivier and I'm here with my friends and co-hosts, Heidi Willis and Jane Gari.

[00:00:53] Etienne: On today's episode, we're gonna be talking all about penises. You heard me right penises. And my fun and or interesting fact for today, which is I'm thinking, this is not fun. 

[00:01:20] Etienne: This wouldn't be fun for anybody. So this is definitely interesting fact for today, micro penises, and they are considered anything less than 2.8 inches or less in length or basically 2.5 standard deviations below the mean length of the average penis. And they are pretty rare. They are about 0.6% of men, or roughly six in 1000 men, but they've also been estimated to be only 1.5 men per 10,000. So it could even be more rare than the 0.6%.

[00:01:45] Etienne: And the cause is a hundred percent inadequate testosterone during fetal development. Now, if this is caught early, while the baby is still in utero and before the genitals have completely formed, they could actually give the mother testosterone shots to actually grow the genital area to a more normal length. so

[00:02:08] Heidi: men aren't on top of that right

[00:02:10] Etienne: yeah

[00:02:10] Heidi: pumping their babies full of testosterone from the get go.

[00:02:13] Etienne: Well what I wonder if the problem is that maybe they just don't see, okay, maybe they're one of those babies where you can't ever tell if it's a male or a female because it's so freaking tiny. I mean, imagine how tiny, 'cause I, because I'll be talking about my experience with micro penises.

[00:02:29] Etienne: I can only imagine, and I've seen babies who have micro penises. They've had other, you know, they're related to another syndrome. Prader Willie is one of the syndromes that results in micro penises. And I think I've taken care of a kid who's had Prader Willie, because literally the penis almost looked like it wasn't even external. That's how small it was. So. 

[00:02:47] Heidi: Wow.

[00:02:48] Etienne: Yeah. I'm just worried that maybe they're not seeing that it's a male or female or they're thinking it's female, it's actually male, so they don't know that they need to give the mom testosterone shots or injections of some kind to help the fetus grow into a normal size penis.

[00:03:04] Etienne: I feel really bad. I feel really, I mean, I don't, I wish there was some way that this could be fixed after the fact. But I don't think there's much, I was doing some research today. But Heidi, maybe you have a more fun, fun fact than 

[00:03:17] Heidi: Mine is fun. So I will take a micro penis over this penis anytime. So in mental floss there was a 12 facts about penises and they might have been barbed at one time. So the human, yes, the human penis. Most definitely among the smoothest in the animal kingdom, but in the distant past it probably had sharp barbs like some of the primate cousins to make sex with another partner, so it makes it unlikely that they'll have sex with someone else because the girls all torn up 

[00:03:54] Jane: Oh 

[00:03:55] Etienne: Wait, Wait, wait, But, hopefully she'd heal, but then again, she's never gonna wanna have sex ever again. Like it's gonna be one and done. Like I'm not, if I can 

[00:04:04] Heidi: Barbed. They used to, like primates have barbed ones. So Yeah. So if she will automatically avoid other chimps who may want to mate 

[00:04:14] Etienne: Not just other, I think she'd avoid all chimps. 

[00:04:18] Jane: Like, do 

[00:04:19] Etienne: is she, why would she wanna redo this? No.

[00:04:22] Heidi: Isn't that sound awful? So yeah. They think that human penises used to be barbed. I can't even imagine

[00:04:29] Etienne: penis world, I'm a hundred percent being gay. I don't give a shit if I don't want to have sex with women. I am because there's no having sex with men at that point. Sorry. 

[00:04:37] Heidi: Exactly. 

[00:04:38] Jane: that's terrible. 

[00:04:40] Heidi: anyway, so was my,

[00:04:43] Jane: You said that was gonna be fun. 

[00:04:45] Heidi: I thought it's well funny.

[00:04:49] Etienne: that's funny. 

[00:04:50] Jane: I mean, we're.

[00:04:52] Heidi: you know what, maybe they evolved to have smooth penises because the women all were like, fuck you all, you're not having sex with us unless, you know, so anybody that happened to have a smooth penis got all the vagina, so,

[00:05:08] Jane: I mean, yes, please.

[00:05:11] Heidi: the, we got smooth penises finally, so

[00:05:14] Etienne: Jesus 

[00:05:15] Heidi: we get to enjoy the smooth penises instead of being stabbed every time.

[00:05:20] Etienne: So in a barbed penis world, we should be just glad with our stupid orgasm gap that we have right now, because it could be even worse.

[00:05:29] Heidi: Little 

[00:05:30] Etienne: Yeah, 

[00:05:31] Jane: Oh my God. 

[00:05:33] Heidi: Anyway. What's your fun fact, Jane?

[00:05:38] Jane: Is, um.

[00:05:40] Etienne: she forgot. 

[00:05:41] Jane: I guess it's no, I, I, know i'm traumatized. It's, I'm just thinking, remember that scene in seven, if you saw that horrible movie, it was a good movie, the movie seven. 

[00:05:51] Etienne: Oh, yes, yes. Oh God. The, the Razor. 

[00:05:54] Jane: On it with like a big barb. And that's how he killed somebody. He fucked them to death. And I, I didn't have sex for weeks after that movie because I was just like, couldn't get it outta my head. And now I'm like, I, that's all I'm thinking of right now. 

[00:06:08] Jane: All right, so my fun fact. Which is kind of, I don't know if it's fun. It's adorable. I didn't know that it's common for male babies to come out with erections as they're born

[00:06:20] Heidi: read that too.

[00:06:21] Etienne: my. 

[00:06:21] Jane: It's very common. And I was like, wait, what? And they could even have them in utero.

[00:06:26] Heidi: Yeah. 

[00:06:27] Jane: I did not know that. I

[00:06:29] Etienne: maybe there should be some way. Maybe there should be something that they can give the mom before she has her sonogram that would make the baby have an erection. So if it has a micro penis, we can find out right then see if they need the testosterone. So there doesn't have to be this point. 6% of men in the world who have micro penis.

[00:06:47] Heidi: Yeah. 

[00:06:47] Jane: That actually is a really good idea. But it would just have to be like some kind of weird ethical, not weird. It would have to be done ethically, you know,

[00:06:55] Etienne: Right. Yeah.

[00:06:56] Jane: probably via amniocentesis or something like that, which could be risky. Maybe they could figure out, you know, maybe there's like some kind of like a hormone

[00:07:03] Etienne: right. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:07:04] Jane: Right. It would just be, but I just didn't know that that could happen to babies. I used to babysit babies all the time and change their diapers and stuff like that is something I just didn't notice because I wasn't looking, I was just like, let's just change this really quickly before this thing pees on me. Like, I just was

[00:07:19] Heidi: Yeah, exactly. 

[00:07:20] Jane: trying to cover it up with a diaper as soon as possible. And using another diaper

[00:07:24] Heidi: Because as 

[00:07:24] Etienne: Or just, I would 

[00:07:25] Heidi: the air, 

[00:07:26] Etienne: wipe on the pen, like I'd wipe it and then get a new one and just leave it there till I get everything else cleaned up. That's what I do as a nurse. Yeah. So you don't get sprayed. Yeah.

[00:07:35] Jane: Yeah, because the air hits the, and they get a little like, oh, that feels nice. And then there, now you, 'cause I, yeah, you only make that mistake once. And I did make that mistake, but yeah, I didn't know that that was common. And, I have to say that I always, 

[00:07:54] Jane: I had a point of empathy for boys when they were first going through puberty that you could have an erection at like any given point, and it doesn't even mean that you're excited. It just happens involuntarily. And I thought, well, I guess there's that, like we have so many other things to deal with as women that at least when we get excited, it's not externally visible to strangers. Like, you're wearing sweatpants and now everybody knows that you're having a thought or that you're having a moment, but with guys, I just, I used to feel bad for, I'd see it happen, often, more often than I would like to when I was teaching high school.

[00:08:25] Jane: There would be, yeah, like some kid would come up to me and he was just talking to me about his paper and it would just happen. I'm like, there's no way that he's excited about this paper and no way that he's excited about me. I'm just looking like a school marm here with my slacks and my buttoned up blouse, you know, just talking to him about Shakespeare, I'm like, this is just a thing. And he's bright red and I feel bad, you know,

[00:08:46] Etienne: Well, maybe he just heard, I mean, it could have been something as simple as like, he just heard the girl he's got a crush on say something behind him and then immediately is thinking of her and how beautiful she is and the thoughts could go that fast, you know.

[00:08:58] Etienne: Like, imagine Like, when you were, I mean, I think we've all had in our perimenopause phase where we were super sexual. I mean, just imagine that that's what they, that men felt like as teenagers when they first start going through puberty. I don't know, if that had happened to me as a kid, with how often I got excited and I didn't even have testosterone in my body. I would've walked around with a hard on practically all the time in middle school if I was a boy. Like seriously, I found all the reasons to get turned on in middle school, high school, like constantly. Constantly. I would've been, I would've had to, you know what? I would've had to wear something that would just strap me down to begin with. In the beginning of the, like, as I'm getting dressed, I would've had like, whatever the ace wrap or whatever the bullshit I have to put on, make sure 

[00:09:42] Jane: keep it in

[00:09:43] Etienne: not popping up. Yeah. 

[00:09:45] Heidi: Yeah. Oh my gosh. 

[00:09:47] Etienne: Oh my God, I can't even, oh, but you know what's really weird? So working with, I don't have that many like little kids that I work with at the hospital. But there was one kid a few years ago. I work at night, so I'll change the diapers at night for the parents so they can sleep, obviously. So I'll check every few hours, see if a diaper needs to be changed. And there was this one kid, and I think he was like two, three years old, something like that. And every time I changed his diaper in the night, his penis was hard. And I'm not saying it was hard, like, like it got hard while I was changing him. It was already hard to begin with. And I asked, yeah. I asked other nurses what if, when they had him as their patient when they changed his diaper. I was like, was he always hard? Because he's always like, I'm thinking he's constantly hard, like maybe there's 

[00:10:36] Heidi: Well, it happens when, when I was looking for the facts, it happens like four to five times a night for every man

[00:10:41] Etienne: This. Yeah, but I'm not kidding. This was every time like it, how could it be every, like I'm, it can't, it can't. I don't. I, I just, that's why, and I asked other people and they looked at me like I was crazy. I'm like. I swear it's hard every time. So I don't know, maybe I just put off this vibe for this little kid.

[00:10:58] Etienne: I'm not doing anything to him. I'm just literally would try not even to like use a wipe on him because I didn't wanna encourage anything. I'm just quickly changed his diaper. But I know while I'm doing it, he is hard 'cause he was not small. Like he, he was, you know, he was a probably, he was gonna be an above average sized man when he grew up, like penis wise.

[00:11:17] Etienne: 'cause as a two or 3-year-old he was. So like it was something you couldn't miss? You know, I almost, I was so close to asking his mom and I didn't ever, but I'm so glad I did not because the fuck, how do you ask that question? Why is his penis always hard? Like, do we need to have the doctors look at him like, this just seems not okay. 

[00:11:39] Jane: Yeah, make sure that there's nothing else going on from a vascular perspective, you know, because it seems like, but it does happen several times a night. So it may just be a crazy coincidence that every time he was in REM sleep, it happens a lot like that. You just happened to be changing his diaper at that point. And that's another thing of just like having it go off in the middle of the night and it's not even 

[00:11:59] Etienne: oh, but that, that thing, having it go off in the middle of the night while you're sleeping, that's actually another way that they can tell also if you've got true, chronic erectile dysfunction. Yeah. Or if it's just like a psychological.

[00:12:11] Heidi: In your head. Yep. 

[00:12:13] Jane: Oh, if you have no nocturnal emissions or not, or just

[00:12:16] Etienne: Not just the emissions, but like actual, yeah, there's actual, oh God. I've heard Brian Johnson, who's this billionaire longevity guy who's around my age, I think, or in his, or maybe he's just 50. But he actually wears this contraption at night because you can tell your biological ages as a man by how many times you get erections during the night and how long they last.

[00:12:37] Etienne: So he literally puts on this contraption before bed. Yeah. That measures how many times and how long. I believe it's how many times and how long the erections last to show how like young and how healthy cardiovascularly he is.

[00:12:52] Heidi: He 

[00:12:53] Jane: see what this contraption looks 

[00:12:54] Heidi: Yeah. I mean, going for longevity, I think that's almost like a mental illness with this man now. 

[00:13:01] Etienne: Have you 

[00:13:01] Heidi: The, the amount of stuff he

[00:13:03] Etienne: He does a lot of 

[00:13:03] Heidi: Oh yeah. I've watched some 

[00:13:05] Etienne: Well, I think you get too much money and you're just like, yeah, I wanna live forever now. 'cause this is great. And it's like, 

[00:13:10] Heidi: You gotta look for the article. They did a ranking of the people in the world that are, like got the best age. Yeah. Longevity, age, whatever. And this woman beat him, Brian Johnson. I don't think he even made the top 10. But, so this woman, she barely does anything. She's like, I just go to the gym and I eat good and yeah,

[00:13:31] Etienne: damn. 

[00:13:32] Jane: Oh my gosh. He's probably so 

[00:13:34] Etienne: He's gotta be pissed.

[00:13:35] Heidi: He, yes. So he is doing all

[00:13:37] Etienne: Alright, I gotta find this list. All right. I gotta find the, the measure. 

[00:13:43] Jane: I need to see. Yeah. What this dev, I'm imagining it looks like it depends thing and like you have

[00:13:48] Etienne: I'm thinking more of like a tomb raider knife thing that you put around your thigh. You know, when you put the knife on your thigh, like the 

[00:13:55] Jane: Oh, okay.

[00:13:56] Etienne: know what I'm saying? Except it's in the middle, so it holds your penis. 

[00:13:59] Heidi: ar but yeah, there's gotta be something that's that's wrapped around 

[00:14:03] Etienne: you're 

[00:14:04] Jane: Right. I was imagining kind of like a sheath inside of the underpants, that it goes in. But the Laura Tomb thing, it's, I'm sure it's not. 

[00:14:15] Heidi: Okay. What is your life like if you're doing that much? 

[00:14:19] Etienne: But it is, I mean, it honestly is a good indicator, like how good your erections are, how long you can keep them and all of that. It does show you cardiovascularly your health. If you start to have bad cardiovascular health as a man, your penis is gonna show 'cause it's the micro vasculature, like it literally says the blood can't make it there.

[00:14:37] Etienne: Sorry. I literally was reading all the different things that can cause ED. It's like diabetes, obesity, hyper cholesterol, or hypercholesterolemia. 

[00:14:46] Heidi: Use it or lose it is a real thing.

[00:14:49] Etienne: Yeah. Oh, if you've had your prostate removed too, that's a bad one. So having your prostate removed, there's a 50% chance you'll have permanent erectile dysfunction.

[00:14:57] Heidi: Hmm. 

[00:14:58] Etienne: That's really sad. 

[00:14:59] Jane: But, so if you don't have sex then for a while, like as a man, like it's like, okay, then you don't have that muscle exercised. 

[00:15:05] Heidi: If you don't have sex, if you don't masturbate, if you don't like, get yourself to have an erection, it becomes a condition of like fibrosis kind of thing. And that you can actually lose size 

[00:15:16] Etienne: Oh my God. 

[00:15:17] Heidi: as well. Like it 

[00:15:18] Etienne: Holy 

[00:15:19] Jane: Wow. 

[00:15:19] Heidi: So that, yeah. 

[00:15:21] Jane: Speaking of shrinking, I also have a micro penis experience 

[00:15:25] Etienne: Do 

[00:15:26] Jane: so I, I, I do, I, and I didn't know that what a micro penis was when I saw it. And then I wanna hear your Etty. When I was in college, I briefly dated this guy who lied to me and told me he was in college also, but it turned out he was still in high school.

[00:15:45] Jane: But it's not that weird 'cause I was still just 17 and, um, no I wasn't, I was 18. I was 18 and he was 17. Um, so, you know, it's whatever gray area. But I just definitely didn't wanna date someone in high school, so he lied and told me he went to a local community college. But anyway, I found out he was in high school because my sister and stepbrother were going to school with him, and they figured it out. They put the pieces of the puzzle together, and then I was like, you know what? I shouldn't be so narrow-minded and he was cute and he was talented and we were having an okay time and my standards were very low at the time of, and we were, um,

[00:16:24] Etienne: So 

[00:16:24] Jane: we were hanging out in my room and we were just making out and he just whipped it out. Like we, like, he whipped it out, like it was like a foregone conclusion that we were going to have sex. But when I say whip it out, I guess is like a glorious term for what he unzipped his pants and showed it to me, you know, like, like, like, and it was. And at the time I had already lost my virginity to my boyfriend the summer before college.

[00:16:51] Jane: So, I'd seen one, and then I had seen an another one that I just played around with before that as a junior in high school. And then I had a group of male friends in high school who just thought it was hilarious that just every once in a while, just like. Have it hanging out of their zipper. So I saw like a lot and like wait for somebody to notice it and then they would go snack attack and they thought it was, so I saw a lot of dicks even if I wasn't actually doing anything with them. So I knew that when he showed this to me, that that's not what, that it was really, really small. It was the size, exactly the size of my thumb. And when you were saying Etienne that two, two inches. I literally got out a tape measure, which I happened to have by my desk. 

[00:17:31] Etienne: no. 

[00:17:32] Jane: And my thumb knuckle is exactly two inches. I have small hands. 

[00:17:36] Etienne: Oh, really? Is it two inches? I wanna measure my finger now.

[00:17:38] Jane: So he just barely made the cut for micro penis. But I was like, whoa. And I didn't mean it to come out like this, 

[00:17:46] Etienne: I was just gonna say, you said, whoa. Is that

[00:17:50] Jane: I did? I said, whoa. What are you doing with that? 

[00:17:55] Etienne: Oh, okay. That's a better, that's a save You save that. 

[00:17:57] Jane: I said, whoa, what are you doing with that? And he just kind of looked at me. He's like, well, I just figured. He said, because you're in college, like that means all college girls have 

[00:18:06] Etienne: college girls do stuff with my penis. Right.

[00:18:09] Jane: Yeah. And I just looked 

[00:18:10] Jane: at him and I said, I. I'm not doing that with you. I was like, I don't even love you. That's, that's what I said. That's what I was like, put, I said, put it away. But in the middle of him trying to get his act together to put things back away and tuck in his shirt and stuff, my sister walked into the room and she was just like, what's going on? He was like, ah, I'm, I'm, I'm showing her my appendix scar, my appendectomy scar. And I was like, and I just looked at, I was like, no, he's not. But 

[00:18:37] Etienne: I can't believe your sister could have walked in there. Like, what if he'd started to do something with him? Your sister walks in like that would've just been 

[00:18:43] Jane: I know it was both my sister and my stepbrother. I think that they, I don't know. 

[00:18:48] Etienne: Oh my god. Everybody walked in your room. 

[00:18:50] Jane: Yeah, they were always doing that. I don't know if they knew that he was over and they were just like, Hey man, I don't know if they were about to tell me there was dinners something, there was a reason. But I just kinda gave them a look like, we'll talk about this later because there's something happening 

[00:19:03] Heidi: I got a.

[00:19:04] Etienne: Gotta tell you about this thumb size penis. I just, 

[00:19:08] Jane: And then I was just, and I did, I was like, it was like exactly like this. Like it was exactly like this.

[00:19:13] Etienne: knuckle size. Yeah. 

[00:19:15] Jane: Yeah. And my stepbrother was just like, yeah, that's not normal, you know? And I'm like, I know it's not normal. I've seen them before. But it's just, I was like, do I feel bad? But I definitely stopped dating him, not because of that, but because me blurting out, like, I don't even love you. I was like, Ew, what are we doing here? Why are we even hanging out with this guy if we're like, not, I don't even wanna touch it. I was like, eh. And, there were other things too. There's stories for another day, but, don't feel bad about me outing this, if any listeners out there are just like, don't make fun. Like, he was a real asshole, so we don't have to feel bad about this. Like, he, he spread a lot of rumors 'cause I did decline. And then he went, he spread all these rumors at his high school, which he was stupid to do because my sister and stepbrother went to school with him. He spread all these rumors about this college girl that he was dating and all this stuff, like she tastes like chicken. She let me put it in her butt. Like all of 

[00:20:07] Etienne: Oh my 

[00:20:08] Jane: gross, like gross and specific things. And my stepbrother heard this and are you talking about my sister? And he was just kind of caught in the light. He was like, uh, yes. And he's like, I'm pretty sure that nothing like that happened. 'Cause I already told him about like, this guy's name was Ron.

[00:20:27] Jane: He was like, he has a micro penis. And, so he came home and he was really angry and my dad asked him like, what's wrong? And he's just like, this guy is spreading all these rumors. And I'm like, it makes me really upset. My dad knew where this guy worked 'cause he worked as a checkout guy at our local grocery store. So my dad just went and waited in his line at the grocery store, not buying anything, just waiting in line, just staring him down. And he knew that that was my dad, and he gets up and he just grabs him. Like, I think if this happened today, my dad would've been arrested. But at the time, it was 1991, so nobody cared. So, he just grabbed him by his shirt and just says, if I ever hear you spreading rumors about my daughter again, I'm gonna fucking kill you. And then he just let go of his shirt and walked out of Wall Bounds like the 

[00:21:14] Heidi: Your dad's epic.

[00:21:16] Etienne: so good. 

[00:21:17] Jane: He was just like, oh, yes sir. And, that was the end of it.

[00:21:20] Etienne: Especially now. He was so stupid to spread rumors about you when he's got a micro penis, like does he want your then sisters and brothers to like go then tell everybody at school like pull his 

[00:21:30] Jane: And they probably did, I think they did after that. But I don't think that he knew that it was 

[00:21:39] Etienne: I actually read a bunch of stories on Vox did an article about wanting to find out about men and how micro penises have affected their lives. And most of them had said what, how old they were when they figured out they had tiny penises or micro penises. And I think a lot of them were before puberty, had already figured it out, you know, like in one way or another.

[00:22:00] Heidi: Yeah. Well, if you have a micro penis and you're listening right now, there's an article out there. I didn't put down the info, but, it talks about the different positions to try out if you have a micro penis, so like advice on how to still pleasure your partner and you to also get pleasure. Like the pencil, like the long 

[00:22:19] Etienne: yeah, I've had two pencil and one micro, so I know. 

[00:22:23] Heidi: they talk about, the spooning, like if the woman keeps her legs closed, so that it produces pleasure for the man, but still the woman's

[00:22:32] Etienne: You still have to be able to get, the penis has to be long enough to get, I mean, okay. If we're talking about pencil penis, then yeah, you could do the behind, but I don't think with the micro, he'd be able to get into the vagina like I have to

[00:22:43] Heidi: No. Yeah. The really

[00:22:45] Etienne: The same one? Yeah, the same one that, that Jane was talking about. The guy that I had sex with that. I mean, she didn't have sex with him. Thank God you, you saved yourself because otherwise you're having sex and you don't feel anything and I feel really bad. This is not, this is obviously his condition that he has to deal with his whole life.

[00:23:02] Etienne: And for me, it's a one time thing that I have to deal with, you know? And he obviously had special condoms that have sticky on the inside. Yeah. They, you have to get special condoms that actually have adhesive on them so they don't come off when you're having sex. And I went online too today and saw there's all kinds of different sizes you can get 'em specifically for your width and your length of penis because there are all these little baby guys out there. And he had to have had this 'cause he wore a condom and it was still there five minutes later, because this is not a long interaction. And, I didn't feel a damn thing. He didn't try to, and we've talked about this guy before. He did not try to make up for it beforehand or after? Before. I don't know how you say that. Beforehand or afterwards. 

[00:23:49] Etienne: Yeah, he tried not. He didn't, it was like he did not give a shit about my pleasure at all. Some of the guys on that Vox article are like, you have to be, you have to excel in other areas. If you've got a micro penis, you gotta make up for this with your hands, your mouth, like everything, anything, you know?

[00:24:03] Etienne: And this guy did not. And when he tried to get a repeat performance from me, I was like, yeah, no. And, when I finally told him, well, you know, you're just kind of not the same size of man that I'm used to. And it wasn't a pleasurable experience for me. And I was trying to tell him the truth without being mean.

[00:24:19] Etienne: I didn't say he had a micro penis ever. He was trying to say, oh, just let me come over and go down on you right now and you don't have to do it. I'm like, no, I know. No, that's not gonna happen. And it did not happen. 'Cause I'm not stupid, but there is, nowadays you can get a bespoke extender and sleeve to put on your micro penis so that I assume then your penis goes inside. You have to find the specific size and length and width for your penis. They tell you how to measure your penis and if you have any problems figuring out how to measure yourself. 'cause you might not be the same length and width all the way up and down your penis.

[00:24:54] Etienne: You literally have a phone number to call so they can walk you through it. So you can get the special made penis sleeve and extender for yourself. This is what I would do if I were a man. I would become the best oral sex giver in the world. I would get lessons from lesbians. I would get all the books that have ever been written on cunnilingus.

[00:25:12] Etienne: That's what I would do. I would be a fucking master of everything besides intercourse and even then I would do everything I could to then still have pleasure for myself there as well, but, I would become the master of everything else so that it wouldn't matter that I had this tiny little penis. 

[00:25:27] Heidi: Yeah, cause if you give oral sex well enough where she's just almost exhausted and spent, then you can get off with your 

[00:25:35] Etienne: Exactly. 

[00:25:36] Heidi: Like, she'll gladly let you slip it in however you can. So yeah, get good with the oral sex guys. 

[00:25:43] Etienne: Not good. I mean, like, no, all guys should be good at oral sex period. I mean, if you're not gonna have, I feel like there should be a rule if you're the woman who wants to have oral sex, 'cause there are women out there that don't, that's perfectly okay.

[00:25:57] Etienne: You can like it or not like it. But if you're with a woman who wants to have oral sex. You need to be given oral sex. And if you're not gonna give oral sex, sorry, if you're not gonna give oral sex to a woman who wants it, then you should not be getting oral sex from anybody yourself. This should not be given back to you.

[00:26:13] Etienne: I'm sorry. It should be fair. It should be even. As women, we're already in the negative when it comes to sex with the heterosexual men in this world, heterosexual women in a heterosexual encounter sexually, we are we're deprived. Oh my 

[00:26:28] Heidi: We have the least amount of pleasure. Yeah out of all the segments. 

[00:26:33] Jane: we had a show about this if

[00:26:36] Etienne: Yeah, sorry. 

[00:26:37] Jane: the orgasm gap, so you can go back and 

[00:26:39] Etienne: Exactly. It just makes me angry, you know?

[00:26:42] Jane: I everybody. 

[00:26:43] Etienne: God damnit. Yeah. No. I just, I feel very strongly about this and I've been with, like I had a boyfriend who, this was the first one that had to start going down on me regularly because I really wasn't somebody who required that. Like, I literally was okay with hands up until I finally had a boyfriend who was thin. His girth was inadequate by a lot, he literally felt like, you know, I felt more taking out a full tampon than I did having sex with him. 

[00:27:12] Jane: Oh, Oh,

[00:27:13] Etienne: Yeah, 

[00:27:15] Jane: We're both like, so I've never seen one of those. 

[00:27:17] Etienne: like a, okay, so a Crayola magic marker,

[00:27:21] Heidi: yeah. 

[00:27:21] Etienne: like almost that thin

[00:27:22] Jane: What? 

[00:27:23] Heidi: I've seen one of those too. Yeah. 

[00:27:26] Jane: I didn't know that was 

[00:27:27] Heidi: yeah. A pencil

[00:27:28] Etienne: Pencil dick, they're not, I mean, it's not, it's not pencil, but I mean, it's, but like the one that I had, 

[00:27:33] Heidi: I saw. I was like how is 

[00:27:35] Etienne: Yeah. It was magic marker penis. So like.

[00:27:38] Jane: Wow. 

[00:27:38] Etienne: And not highlighter, not like the highlighter you used to use in school for your textbooks, 'cause that would've been probably, okay. I'm talking about magic marker. The Crayola magic markers. Yeah. They're much thinner. So yeah. And that's when I started requiring oral sex. 'cause otherwise there was no pleasure for me, you know?

[00:27:57] Heidi: Mm-hmm. 

[00:27:58] Etienne: Yeah. And there was another guy after that boyfriend who I wiggled out of the sex with him when I grabbed his penis and it was hard in his pants, and it was actually skinnier than that boyfriend. And this guy was beautiful. Oh my God. And he had the best body. And he was the one that he was friends with Brad Pitt.

[00:28:19] Etienne: And I was hoping I was gonna get to meet Brad Pitt. And I literally couldn't because I could not have sex with this guy, with his penis. I'm sorry. So I literally never saw him again. And I was like, oh fuck, this is terrible. And he was beautiful and gorgeous body. And this fucking, like, he probably did have a pencil, like it was, or it was between a pencil and the crayola magic marker.

[00:28:38] Jane: it's long, but 

[00:28:40] Etienne: It was normal length. Yeah, normal

[00:28:41] Heidi: Yeah, normal length, 

[00:28:42] Etienne: Inadequate. 

[00:28:44] Heidi: very thin. 

[00:28:45] Jane: Wow. 

[00:28:46] Heidi: I saw that in high school. It like horrified me. Like, what am I supposed to 

[00:28:49] Etienne: is that? How does 

[00:28:50] Heidi: I, what is it? It looked like a spaghetti noodle monster thing, you know, like, but like, straight up, like it still was erect and. 

[00:29:00] Etienne: It's, yeah. 

[00:29:01] Heidi: Yeah, it was weird. Okay, so we talked about micro penis. What about too big though? Like I've had that a few times where it's too big and it hurts you 

[00:29:09] Etienne: was one guy that was so big. Yeah. I had, well, one guy was so big that I knew I couldn't even try. Like, I literally looked at him and I was like, okay, that's like a baby. Like no. I was like, I mean, he was, he got naked and I was like, I was naked and I was like, wait, hold on

[00:29:28] Heidi: That's not gonna 

[00:29:29] Etienne: now. I'm like, mm-hmm. No, it was so all right, so a baby doll leg.

[00:29:35] Heidi: Oh. 

[00:29:37] Jane: Wow. 

[00:29:38] Etienne: like that thickness and that length, but not bent, you know, like a baby, the leg is bent. It was normal, like normal, penis like 

[00:29:46] Jane: His dick a.

[00:29:47] Etienne: No, it was, he didn't have a knee, but he could have. I saw that and I was like, I could go down on you. That's literally what I've said. I was like, I can't, there's no way that, that, I'm so sorry. I can't put that inside of me. I don't think that, that, that's not gonna, I can't, like, there's no way. And, he's like, no, I understand. 

[00:30:08] Etienne: I'm like, but I could give you. I know he's probably hears this like I all the time and I was like, I will go down on you. He's like, oh, I don't like that. And I'm like, can I use my hands? He's like, mm. I'm like, oh God, what are we left with? There's nothing. I was like, he was so nice. I, we literally, I pretty sure we ended up just cuddling naked. 

[00:30:29] Etienne: Because there was nothing left and I didn't want him to do anything to me because that just seemed unfair, but he was so nice and I was like, oh, that's so

[00:30:37] Heidi: But that seems to be the case with a lot of guys that are too big. They have a hard time finding

[00:30:43] Etienne: gonna, who's gonna meet that? Yeah, I Did you have sex with the one that was too big that you saw?

[00:30:48] Heidi: I mean, I, I don't think that big, but I've had partners that were big and, yeah, you're like ruined for a couple weeks 

[00:30:59] Etienne: Wait a couple weeks. Oh my God. Might as.

[00:31:01] Heidi: a week, but I know seriously. Yeah,

[00:31:08] Jane: Wow. 

[00:31:09] Etienne: I did have sex with one that was too big, and that's how I knew that like, I wasn't gonna try the baby leg, baby leg penis wasn't gonna go inside of me because he was bigger than the one that I lit, you know, like, and that the one that I lit that was too big, before was like, we're talking 20 years before when I was in my twenties.

[00:31:25] Etienne: And I enjoyed it in the moment, but I was ruined. I had the worst yeast infection I've ever had in my entire life for days, and this was before I knew like, you gotta get on it like immediately.. He tore me up and I just, yeah. Um, I, I was, and it was one of those ones that itched. So it was a yeast infection that was an itch one where you just could not, like, you could not stop thinking about the itch. Like the itch was just constant. And I literally was at work and I grabbed some table salt out of the kitchen. No joke, and I put it directly on my private area 'cause I was like, I cannot take this anymore. I'd rather burn myself than feel this itch. So yeah, I burned myself with table salt to make the itch go 

[00:32:08] Heidi: You weren't able to get some 

[00:32:09] Etienne: I did, but it was like, this was even during the time I think that there weren't even those pills weren't even available yet, so I had to use that goddamn cream. That takes multiple days before you feel relief, you 

[00:32:20] Heidi: Yeah. But they always have that, that outer stuff that at

[00:32:23] Etienne: I tried that too. I literally had that. It was not it would not like, so that's why I was like, I'm never, if I see somebody that big, that shit is not going inside of me.

[00:32:33] Heidi: yeah, That would've put me off too. yeah, 

[00:32:35] Etienne: step your way up to that. You can't just go straight from normal, you know, American penis to some gargantuan, one off anomaly, you know what I mean? Because I do have a thing. I think American penis is on average, smaller than the average British penis. 'Cause I've had a lot of English penis a lot. I mean it, I don't know how many, maybe 15. I'm just guessing I could count, but I'll just say 15. And they were all on average, way bigger than, girth and length than american men. 

[00:33:07] Jane: What do you think that's a diet thing, or do you think we have too many hormones in our stuff? What do you think that is?

[00:33:12] Etienne: I don't know what it is, honestly, if I knew I would,

[00:33:15] Heidi: Probably the hormone thing. 

[00:33:16] Etienne: you think it's a hormone in our meat and stuff? 

[00:33:19] Heidi: Mm-hmm. 

[00:33:19] Jane: I think we allow more endocrine disruptors. in our food chain 

[00:33:24] Heidi: The chemicals. 

[00:33:25] Etienne: Yeah. 'cause literally I had never come across a bad, there's not been a single bad penis in the uk. Not one, 

[00:33:32] Jane: I've only had one UK penis and it was like half uk, half Chinese, and it was uncircumcised. 

[00:33:39] Etienne: Oh, oh, 

[00:33:41] Jane: but otherwise great length. It was perfect. Until he pierced it. They had one of those Prince Alberts and I was like, why did you do This this is, yeah, I didn't 

[00:33:51] Etienne: don't, I can't. That's so shocking that men, that any man would do that. I know they do. It's, but it still shocks me. 'Cause I would, I'd be scared to do that to my clit. I know women get those like rings in their

[00:34:00] Heidi: Yeah. Ruin it.

[00:34:01] Etienne: hood or 

[00:34:01] Jane: he had a piercing thing though. He like pierced his tongue and then he pierced that and I was just like, ah, we're done here. That's a lot. Yes. So it was

[00:34:12] Etienne: Yeah. 

[00:34:13] Jane: all the things. It 

[00:34:15] Etienne: no, 

[00:34:15] Jane: was, we had all kinds of things promoting infection, really, and that did happen to me. So, 

[00:34:22] Etienne: God. Yeah. 

[00:34:23] Jane: And just take care of stuff, dude. Don't make your partner, get an antibiotic, guys. Take care of your 

[00:34:28] Etienne: No. And if you are on uncircumcised, you can get a yeast infection that will last with you forever if you do not treat it. 

[00:34:35] Heidi: Yeah, 

[00:34:36] Jane: I, have had that happen. I've had it transferred to me and I'm just like, that on top of then the other ass corn situation

[00:34:44] Etienne: It's a warm, moist 

[00:34:46] Jane: Corn. Yeah, you gotta wash. You gotta wash and be careful. And I do just remember being kind of shocked by it though. 'cause I was like, it's wearing a turtleneck.

[00:34:54] Jane: And then it gets erect and you're like, oh, now it's not okay. I'm like, I didn't know that that's how it happened. You know, like it was just coming out of the tunnel. Like here we 

[00:35:01] Heidi: comes outta his little turtleneck.

[00:35:03] Etienne: I actually like, I kind of prefer having sex with uncircumcised versus circumcised. If I had to choose, honestly, because I feel like they are more sensitive. So you can do more things to a man who's uncircumcised than you can to somebody or have more, let's see, have more interesting reactions. Um, like especially if you're going down on them, you have to be careful.

[00:35:24] Etienne: You can make it happen too fast or it can be like way too sensitive for them, but you don't get that when they're uncircumcised. It's just they're desensitized from having the head of their penis, their glands always out and about and rubbing against fabric all day long that, you know.

[00:35:39] Jane: That's true. 

[00:35:40] Etienne: Yeah. 

[00:35:41] Heidi: Yeah. Their nerve endings get desensitized. 

[00:35:44] Etienne: they're more like our clit. They're more like our clit than, because we don't have like uncircumcised clits, you know, like we all have little hoods, or at least they're probably most like, I mean they're covered or they're not, just depending on how your clit is, but like that's, but for men, yeah, uncircumcised, they're covered all the time and yeah, it makes them way more sensitive. I just found that so much more exciting to be like, let try this, you know?

[00:36:11] Heidi: Yeah. 

[00:36:12] Etienne: Yeah. And plus if you grow up in the UK and all the men that you are surrounded by all have uncircumcised penis, they all know how to take care of it. They all talk to each other. They all know, like they, their dads were uncircumcised. This was a tradition of hygiene passed down through the ages, I would think.

[00:36:28] Etienne: You know, so I know your guy originally grew up in America and his dad. We think was probably uncircumsized No, was circumcised. So he didn't get taught 

[00:36:37] Heidi: he didn't pass. 

[00:36:38] Jane: Yeah. 

[00:36:39] Heidi: Taught how to take care of it. 

[00:36:41] Etienne: No. But when you're with people who do know how to take care of it, then it's, yeah. It's like, it's a brand new world. Like, ah, you know, it just opens up like a whole new horizons. It's exciting. It can be 

[00:36:53] Jane: See, I wish I knew these things now. I could go back in time and just kind of like play some moments a little bit different. But now that you're saying that, like I do remember getting some reactions that I was like, oh yeah, I guess it was like super sensitive. He's like, just, you gotta stop. And I'm like, okay,

[00:37:08] Etienne: Just think about making it more sensitive as far as like, you know how when men, when they wear condoms in America are like, I can't feel anything. You don't hear that with uncircumcised men. 'Cause they can fucking feel more. Because they're unc. Yeah. 'cause they're uncircumcised. You put a condom on that they can still feel there's enough coming through. Even with the condom on, never heard a single protest about wearing a condom in England. Not one time. 

[00:37:33] Heidi: Hmm. 

[00:37:33] Jane: That is so interesting. 

[00:37:36] Heidi: Yeah. That would lead to safer sex in America if guys weren't so, anti-condom because they can't feel blah, blah, blah, 

[00:37:45] Etienne: Exactly. 

[00:37:46] Heidi: Oh, and something else about circumcision, so why it became really big in the 18 hundreds and stayed a trend to this day is it was spread around by physicians and ministers in the 18 hundreds that circumcising a baby boy would keep them from masturbating later in life. And it was totally, it's totally false, obviously. But yeah, that was the going thinking back then was it would keep them from sinning masturbating all the time. So I just found that it's repression. It's all about repression. 

[00:38:24] Etienne: dude. No.

[00:38:27] Heidi: It's 

[00:38:27] Jane: Oh, that's kind of sad. 

[00:38:29] Heidi: Isn't that sad? So now we got this epidemic of desensitized male penises running around not wanting to wear condoms. 

[00:38:37] Etienne: But there is one thing you can do. So if you're a guy out there and you think, I don't wanna wear condoms 'cause I can't feel anything, or as soon as I go to put the condom on, I lose my erection. This has happened. I had the 20-year-old boyfriends who I required him to have condoms on, I didn't know where he was being, uh, well, any, anybody could be going anywhere. I wasn't in an exclusive relationship with anybody, so everybody had to wear condoms. But he used to say the same thing. And I'm like, okay, well this is what I want you to do when you're not with me, I want you to masturbate with a condom on, and that will get you used to wearing condoms.

[00:39:11] Etienne: You'll learn how to come with a condom on. He literally did that and he stopped whining about it. So I don't know how many times he had to practice, but he did do that and it worked, and he stopped being a little windy baby about it. But yeah, that's how you can practice. I think I came across it before, in my twenties, where guys, you know, you'd be fooling around with them and then all of a sudden the condom comes out and then it takes 'em a minute to get it on, and now the erection's gone. And you're like, what?

[00:39:39] Etienne: Ha, like what? You lose it that fast, like, what's going on? You're like, I was just pitching too hard. I really doubt that, but Okay. That's, I think that's also when I started being the one that would put the condoms on them. 'cause I could do it faster than they could or you know, like I know how to get it on really quickly. So there's no complaining of like it

[00:39:57] Heidi: Plus you're touching them while you're doing 

[00:39:59] Etienne: you can still be doing stuff. Yeah. But you just have the little reservoir on the top. 'Cause some of them don't even know that. Like, that you're supposed to keep a little balloon part at the top for the actual cum to go. So it's not like getting stuck in there, coming down the sides or getting squished down the sides and defeats the whole purpose of the condom. You know? So, yeah. Yeah. I think that's when I started like, yeah. Doing it myself.

[00:40:20] Jane: You could give lessons

[00:40:24] Etienne: Yeah. 

[00:40:24] Jane: somewhere, somewhere, somewhere. There is a dude who's listening right now and he's taking notes like I was just like, oh my God.

[00:40:34] Etienne: Yeah, well, there's always magnum condoms and don't think that, like you just wanna get a magnum condom because it's not gonna be as tight or pretend I'm too big. Like, you're probably not too big. You want that thing to be snug, like you definitely do. You need to protect yourself and herself. You're protecting the two of you. So this thing's gotta fit because there. 

[00:40:56] Jane: Yeah. 'cause they don't, I don't know. I had one slip off inside of me, and now you're going on a fishing expedition. I'm like, you have to get it. I like, I can't get it. My fingers are too small. He's just like, okay. And now it turns into, now you feel like you're at the OB GYN office. So you got your feet up and the bed is like not sexy at all. You're just like, get it out. 

[00:41:14] Etienne: Yeah. That's kind of the image I have on, had that Ben Wa boss stuck up inside of me and I was not gonna be going to the emergency room to get that thing removed. I wonder if I could have waited and gone to urgent care the next day if they would've taken it out.

[00:41:27] Heidi: Probably, yeah 

[00:41:28] Etienne: oh my God, that was terrible. Still, I can recreate that feeling of how swollen and hurt I was from all the digging I was doing to get that out. 

[00:41:37] Heidi: Oh,

[00:41:37] Jane: Oh, 

[00:41:38] Etienne: It was bad. 

[00:41:39] Heidi: You were putting a barbed penis inside Jack, 

[00:41:41] Jane: Oh my God, I'm seriously, that's gonna haunt me. I think of all the things that we've learned today, the possibility of a barbed penis 

[00:41:52] Etienne: again, I'm never having intercourse again. If there's a barbed penis involved,

[00:41:58] Heidi: and that's why we evolved to have smooth penises of today that we enjoy 

[00:42:04] Etienne: my God, 

[00:42:05] Jane: A wide bouquet. 

[00:42:07] Etienne: Can you imagine? You could never have anal sex if you had a barbed penis. Like no, you would instantly be dead. You would be dead the next day. You would have sepsis, you would, you would peritonitis. You would just be like, you'd be dead. Like you would just, jesus, God, this barbed penis is such a bad idea.

[00:42:23] Jane: That's a very bad idea. We're glad we've moved on from that.

[00:42:30] Etienne: I wonder what you were talking about, like, like caveman days, like how long ago is this? Do we think 

[00:42:36] Heidi: I don't know. They think since we have primate cousins that have barbed penises that we most likely did too, back in the this 

[00:42:44] Etienne: And wait, so we're talking about today there's actual primate cousins that have barbed.

[00:42:48] Heidi: Yes. Yes. 

[00:42:50] Etienne: Are they into oral sex? I'm just wondering is there any kind of sexual pleasure going on for these women, for these female primates?

[00:42:58] Heidi: I know. I don't know. I would have to go, yeah, that would be a whole nother rabbit hole to go down. 

[00:43:05] Jane: You are gonna have the weirdest Google.

[00:43:07] Heidi: sex lives of the primate cousins. 

[00:43:10] Etienne: All the things we're gonna look up like the the thing you wear to measure your erections at night?

[00:43:17] Jane: Yes. Um, 

[00:43:21] Etienne: The primates here.

[00:43:23] Heidi: So he's such a weirdo. I'm sorry.

[00:43:25] Jane: oh my gosh. Okay, so these structures are.

[00:43:32] Etienne: What were you saying Jane? Sorry. 

[00:43:34] Jane: Uh, okay, so these primates that possess the keratinized, penile spines, barbs, or spikes, all right, which are used to increase stimulation, enhance friction, or facilitate the formation of copulatory plugs. What? 

[00:43:51] Etienne: What does that know? 

[00:43:54] Jane: Oh my God. This is going to be such a rabbit hole for me. All right. These structures are common in chimpanzees,

[00:43:58] Heidi: Yep. 

[00:43:59] Jane: baboons, orangutans, and prosimians, like galagos. I'm like, I don't know if I'm pronouncing that correctly, but what's chimpanzees are like 99% match with our DNA. That's how close we were to barbed dicks. People like that is so wrong.

[00:44:18] Etienne: no, no. But again, how, alright, sorry. I'm still thinking like, if I am a female and I have to have sex with the barbed penis, I'm literally having it one time. And after that I'm running, I'm going up the tree, I'm throwing myself into the next tree. I'm doing whatever I can to get away from 

[00:44:35] Heidi: I'm gonna live with the other female, female, 

[00:44:38] Etienne: How, how, how does the race not die out? Because you only have one chance to get pregnant. Like in my world, there would be one chance to get pregnant. 

[00:44:49] Jane: See, now you're sending me down another rabbit hole of like, do female chimpanzees like sex. And so here's the AI overview. Yes, female chimpanzees are highly promiscuous and sexually active. This is very judgy Google. All right. Anyway. Um, particularly during their approximately 10 day ovulation window, often mating with multiple males.

[00:45:12] Jane: Etienne, you're not getting out of it. If you're a chimp, often multiple males to confuse paternity and secure social advantages, right? Because then they're like, be nice, don't eat my child's because it could be your child. But like it says, they are however discreet, frequently keeping quiet during sex, probably 'cause of fucking hurts, right? To avoid aggression from other females, though they may call out to attract high ranking males. This video explains, oh my God, how female chimpanzees use their sexual swellings to attract males. Okay, well, I'm not watching that, but, 

[00:45:45] Etienne: that. 

[00:45:46] Jane: but but I, it's like, really, they, they, 

[00:45:51] Etienne: from this. Like they must be if they're having sex with multiple men during their 10 day window. 

[00:45:55] Jane: Or they're, no, they're doing multiple times so that they, to protect their potential offspring. By confusing P 

[00:46:00] Etienne: right. So we don't know if they're actually enjoying It. 

[00:46:04] Jane: No, it just says Google Judge that they like. Do they like it? No, they just do often so that they can have babies. I need to, I need another, I wish Jane Goodall was still alive because I have some questions for.

[00:46:16] Etienne: She never wrote about this, like if she thought that there was, you know what I mean? Like that the 

[00:46:21] Jane: I don't know. I'll, I will ask my sister, who is a huge fan of Jane Goodall so this will be the topic of our next conversation. So look out sis, I'm coming to 

[00:46:31] Heidi: Sex Lives 

[00:46:32] Jane: barbed penis questions.

[00:46:34] Heidi: Yes. 

[00:46:35] Jane: Oh Lord.

[00:46:38] Etienne: Okay. 

[00:46:39] Jane: I was like, yeah, I think on that note, like I am super grateful that humans don't have this. I, this is, I couldn't cope, I would rather cope with, 

[00:46:47] Etienne: would rather never have sex ever 

[00:46:51] Jane: yes. 

[00:46:51] Etienne: that never, never, ever die a virgin. Be 

[00:46:56] Heidi: That's what I'm saying. It's evolution took care of that shit for us.

[00:47:00] Jane: Thank you evolution. 

[00:47:01] Etienne: Yes, thank you, evolution. 

[00:47:03] Heidi: Well, thank you, ancestors, they were like, no, I will have smooth penis and the barbed wire guys can

[00:47:11] Etienne: They can fuck off. We can die off because nobody's gonna have sex with them, so, 

[00:47:14] Jane: All those girl chimps taking one for the team. Thank you.

[00:47:18] Etienne: God. We think micro penises are bad. Barbed penises are way worse.

[00:47:27] Heidi: That's why I said I would rather have a micro penis than what 

[00:47:30] Etienne: Actually, I would like to ask. Okay. I would like to have a debate between the micro penis and the gargantuan penis men and see who's happier. Like, would they trade? Would they rather have the other? 

[00:47:42] Heidi: Oh yeah. That's a 

[00:47:44] Jane: they'd rather split. The difference is

[00:47:46] Etienne: Yes, I'm sure they would. Yeah. I actually did. I didn't tell you guys this. I did meet a guy through Tinder when I was in Oxford. Who I did not meet because he sent me a video of his penis and himself masturbating and this thing, and I'm not even kidding, it almost reached his knee and he had, he could not put his entire hand around it, his own hand. And I'm like, I wouldn't be able to do anything with you. Like I literally would not be able to do anything with you. And he like, it's okay, I just wanna masturbate in front of you. And I'm like, um, that's 

[00:48:20] Jane: That's that guy's life. 

[00:48:21] Etienne: Yeah. That is his life. And I was like, yeah.

[00:48:26] Jane: I think I'd be curious. I would've said, okay.

[00:48:28] Etienne: I had the videos. 

[00:48:30] Jane: Oh, that's 

[00:48:31] Etienne: need to see it in person. I saw the video and I believed it was real because nobody, this wouldn't be something you get off the internet the way it, it seemed so real. So I'm like, that is not okay. But luckily I did have the social worker guy who did not live in Oxford.

[00:48:47] Etienne: That's when he drove out to Oxford to come see me. 'Cause I said, I am free tonight. Are you, do you happen to not be working? Would you like to drive out to Oxford? And he was like, yeah, okay. The guy you worked at, the orphanage? That one I told you about. Yes. Oh yeah. I was so happy about that. So happy I didn't, say yes to watching that guy masturbate with a giant penis.

[00:49:10] Heidi: That's our show you've been listening to, the Women are Plotting. If you have a story you'd like to share or have any comments, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at info@thewomenareplotting.com and of course you can find us on all the socials. Thanks, and until next time, be safe and be excellent to each other.